Feature: Nothing Says “F*** You” Like A Mercedes-Benz CL600
Posted by Doug DeMuro in Feature on | 2 comments
I think it’s time that I, a responsible automotive journalist with roughly 90 days of experience, devote a column to a segment that my colleagues simply do not spend enough time covering. And that segment is: expensive cars that nobody buys.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: He’s going to write a column about Acura? But that isn’t the case. Actually, you already know that isn’t the case because you’ve read the title, and you’ve seen the picture, and you’ve come here to get answers to all your burning CL-Class-related questions, such as: Does Mercedes still make that thing?
So I’ll address that question before going any further. The answer is: yes, they still make it. Never mind the fact that it was outsold 3-to-1 last year by the Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet.
Of course, you may have different reasons for clicking this article. Maybe you’re a CL550 owner and you’re desperately wondering: Should I upgrade to a CL600? (Presumably, you’re simultaneously wondering: If I get this handbag, can my Shih Tzu still fit inside?)
Unfortunately for you potential CL600 owners out there (And by the way: how does Jalopnik show up on AOL?), I’m not going to provide a review of the car. Instead, I’m going to spend this column writing about something you already know very well: that the CL600, more than any other car on the road, is a rolling symbol of “f*** you.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Since Jalopnik is a family site in the sense that your 14-year-old son might stumble across it while searching for porn, I’m bleeping out “the F word.” When you read this column, you don’t actually have to say “F star star star” in your head. Instead, you can say the actual word, or possibly a wholesome substitute. May I suggest “darn”?
Anyway: on to the CL600. How can you say, you might be thinking, that the CL600 says f*** you more than any other car? Have you ever seen a G-Wagen? Or that Cadillac pickup truck that bad guys always drive in movies? And my response would be: you make a good point. But I think the CL600 has that stuff beat – and here’s why.
Let’s start with size. For those who don’t know, the CL600 is a full-size Mercedes luxury car based on the S-Class. But here’s the thing: unlike the S-Class, the CL-Class only has two doors. In other words: you paid S-Class money. You get S-Class size. But you went to the dealer and said something along the lines of: “Screw that. I don’t need four doors. I don’t even need the possibility of four doors. That’s what the chauffeur is for!”
Now, you might be wondering what makes this different from going to the dealer and buying, say, a 911. The answer is simple: with the 911, you trade practicality for driving enjoyment. With the CL600, you trade the S-Class’s practicality, but retain its driving dynamics. Imagine going to the BMW dealer and asking for an M3 that drives – and costs – like a 7-Series. (As an astute reader, you’re probably thinking: So… a 6-Series?)
And speaking of cost, that’s another important part of the CL600’s “f*** you” status. The CL600 starts at $160,000 – and that’s before you add in options like 20-inch wheels and, of course, an interior crafted from the finest cows; cows that read better than your 4-year-old; cows that occasionally discuss their favorite concert pianists while passing chewed-up grass through their stomachs.
But a lot of cars cost $160,000. In fact, there’s an even more expensive CL-Class, the CL65 AMG, that starts at $212,000. So why am I singling out the CL600? Simple: it isn’t the price tag that’s obscene. It’s the fact that one hundred and sixty thousand dollars doesn’t buy you anything.
Here’s what I mean: if you skip the CL600, and instead choose the basic CL550, you get a 429-horsepower V8 with a 7-speed automatic. Upgrade to the CL600, and you get a 510-horse V12 with a 5-speed. The result: the CL550 does 0-to-60 in 5.4 seconds, while the CL600 does it in 5.2. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except here’s the kicker: the CL600 costs $44,000 more. That’s right: you’ve spent forty-four thousand dollars for two-tenths of a second.
Now, I’m aware there are a few other differences. The CL600 has more standard equipment, for example. But you can add any CL600 equipment to the the CL550 and still come out tens of thousands of dollars ahead. And when you’re driving around town, you’d never know you didn’t have a V12 under the hood. In other words: you’ve spent $44,000 extra… because you could.
So here’s a little summary for those of you who got lost back when I mentioned cows and pianists. If you buy a CL600, you’re paying more money – and you’re not getting more practicality, more speed, more stuff, or even more looks from appreciative passersby. You’re doing it just to do it. Basically, you’re saying “F*** you” to every single established rule about exchanging money for goods – all so you could have a little “V12” badge behind your front wheel. And you probably know that, when it comes time to trade in, your CL600 will have the same value as four hours of GoGo In-Flight Internet: absolutely none.
So how is the CL600 a bigger f*** you than a G-Wagen, or the Escalade EXT? Simple: those cars are trying to say f*** you – sometimes so loud that you can hear the chrome accessories clear their throats. The CL600 says it just as loudly without ever opening its mouth. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a true f*** you.
This post originally appeared on Jalopnik.
Frankfurt Motor Show: A Look Back
Posted by Doug DeMuro in Feature on | 7 comments
Well, folks, the time has come: another Frankfurt Motor Show is in the books. Of course, by “Frankfurt Motor Show,” what I really mean is “Frankfurt Motor Show press days.” This is all us journalists care about, and by “us journalists” what I really mean is a bunch of well-paid professional writers and also me.
Anyway: I think we’re all pleased Frankfurt has come and gone successfully. I know I am. And I bet the citizens of Frankfurt feel the same way, since their city can now go back to its usual purpose of serving as an airline hub for Americans traveling to places like Greece.
But for those of you who missed Frankfurt, it’s time to provide a comprehensive, well-written guide to the unveilings at this year’s show. I think Autoblog has it. Instead, I have this:
Aston Martin released an all-new DB9 Centenary Edition with updated wheels and interior parts, eschewing the brand’s usual trend of a) making subtle changes to an existing model, and b) spending the next year trying to convince the automotive press it’s a new vehicle.
Audi used this year’s Frankfurt show to display the new Nanuk Concept, the latest in a series of concept cars intended to remind people Audis weren’t always front-wheel drive lease specials. Unfortunately, the Nanuk is unlikely to see production, largely because it isn’t a front-wheel drive lease special.
Audi’s other concept, the Sport Quattro, is a plug-in hybrid capable of reaching 60 mph in 3.7 seconds and driving 31 miles on electric power alone. Reached for comment, Elon Musk briefly chuckled before returning to that roadtrip with his kids.
Speaking of plug-in hybrids, BMW showed off its all-new i8, which offers two doors, four seats, and styling that BMW fanboys are currently convincing themselves that they like. Pricing will start around $136,000, though electric-only range is limited to just 22 miles. Reached for comment, Elon Musk laughed heartily before noting he would soon take his kids on a roadtrip “to Mars.”
Chevrolet unveiled its updated 2014 Camaro Convertible, which excited the show’s German attendees until Chevrolet announced it wouldn’t be sold as a five-door hatchback with hubcaps and a 1.2-liter turbodiesel engine.
Infiniti showed off its Q30 Concept, keeping to the brand’s strict rule that it must show off at least one concept car with huge wheels and no door handles at every major auto show. In an official press release about the Q30, Infiniti marketing direction Hughes Fabre used the term “premium-ness,” possibly forgetting that a press release can be edited later.
The Lamborghini Gallardo special editions have now hit critical mass, as the new LP 570-4 Squadra Corse is actually the exact same vehicle as the Gallardo Performante. When reached for comment, Lamborghini officials noted, “Who cares? Rich people are going to buy it anyway.”
The highlight of Land Rover’s booth in Frankfurt was a facelifted Discovery, known in the States as the LR4. The updated Disco garnered a lot of attention from European media, who photographed the “DISCOVERY” badge on the hood, and convention hall staff, who billed Land Rover for oil stains on the carpet.
Lexus’s big debut in Frankfurt was the LF-NX, a strangely-shaped SUV concept filled with jagged edges, bizarre holes, and unusual creases. After considerable prodding, Lexus admitted the concept was designed “in about 20 minutes, on a conference call.”
The Mercedes S-Class Plug-In Hybrid really excited a lot of people in attendance, although I couldn’t find any of them. Mercedes didn’t announce pricing, though its 19-mile electric-only range supposedly had Elon Musk “in stitches” before he realized there isn’t a single charging station in all of Utah.
Nissan revealed the all-new X-Trail, which will be sold stateside as the Rogue. Female drivers rejoiced, while male car shoppers thought to themselves: Am I comfortable enough with my sexuality to like this?
Porsche finally revealed its production-ready 918 Spyder, whose incredible, amazing, and tremendous Nurburgring lap record will stand, unbroken, until Ferrari gets around to it.
Maybe my favorite plug-in hybrid debut was the Range Rover Plug-In Hybrid, which is capable of traveling – I am not joking here – one single mile on electric power alone. Land Rover won’t sell this vehicle in the States, presumably out of fear that it will kill Elon Musk from a laughing-induced heart attack.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was everything that happened in Frankfurt. Admittedly, I left out the Volkswagen Golf. But let’s be honest: you will too, when it comes time to buy your next car.
Feature: Here’s Why You Should Keep Your Old VIN Numbers
Posted by Doug DeMuro in Feature on | 0 comments
I recently had my morning routine disturbed. Those of you with a morning routine will know exactly what I mean when I say this is a major problem. Right, morning routiners? All I want to do is peacefully start each day the same way: wake up at 10 am, spend about 40 minutes on Bring a Trailer, then think to myself “Nah, I don’t need to write a column today” before napping until approximately 3 pm. Is that so much to ask?!
My routine was disturbed during that second part; the bit where I go on Bring a Trailer. That’s because I logged on one morning after waking up bright and early, around 9:45, to discover a familiar face staring back at me: my old 1993 Mercedes 500E.
Regular readers will know I owned a 500E because I wrote about it in my book, where I fondly described it as “not particularly remarkable.” But I miss it, largely because of its unique history: it was built by Mercedes, then Porsche, then Mercedes, then Porsche, then Mercedes again in a complicated process that could’ve only been devised by Germans. Fortunately, all that complexity had a purpose: after five trips between factories, each 500E came out looking just like a standard E-Class, except with flared fenders.
Anyway: my old 500E startled me because it looks a lot different than it did when I owned it. I bought it after the original owner traded it in on a Fiat 500, which meant it was in pristine condition aside from what can only be described as “elderly smell.” But the new owner changed that by adding new wheels, a new grille, and possibly lowered suspension. And as I sat there, still in bed, looking it over, I couldn’t help but think: Are those clear side markers from an FD RX-7?
No, what I was really thinking is: What the hell happened to all of my other old cars? As car geeks, I think we all wonder this from time to time. Is it still out there? Is the new owner taking care of it? Or did he give it to his son, who took it to college and bet his fraternity brothers that he could drive it down a concrete staircase?
To answer these questions, I did what any normal, well-adjusted individual might do: I spent the next four hours digging through paperwork to find the VIN number of every single car I’ve ever owned. And after that was successful, I turned to AutoCheck for an update. Here’s what I discovered.
1998 BMW M3 – Crashed by Some Guy in Ohio
I bought my E36 M3 from a used car dealer in a seedy part of town who insisted I make the cashier’s check not to his dealer, called something like A & B Performance Sales (Motto: We bought all these cars at auction!), but to him personally. I sold my E36 M3 a few months later when I discovered that just because Road & Track said a car was good in 1995 doesn’t mean that same car is good today, with 130,000 miles on the odometer and dubious Dinan modifications under the hood.
Anyway: only a year after I ditched the E36 M3, it was crashed by a guy in Ohio, towed from the accident scene, repaired, and issued a rebuilt title. If you’re out there driving it, good for you, and if the gearshift lever comes off in your hand I promise that isn’t my fault.
1995 Toyota Land Cruiser – Exported to Togo
I bought this 80-series Land Cruiser on a whim at a public auto auction, drove it for a few months, then sold it to Carmax for exactly what I paid: twenty-five hundred bucks. Interestingly, Carmax didn’t put it on their front line. Why not? Could it have been the body damage? The 237,000-mile odometer reading? The knocking noise coming from the engine? The fact that the rear seat was so sticky you had to wonder if the previous owner’s occupation was “Coca-Cola Spiller”?
We’ll never know. What we do know is that people in West Africa don’t seem to mind these issues. Just days after Carmax wholesaled my Land Cruiser, it was exported to Togo, where it’s probably been attacked by lions who could smell the dried-out Coca-Cola from the jungle.
2001 Toyota Prius – Crashed by a Kid in Nashville
I bought this 2001 Prius for basically nothing from a friend who was moving to New York City. Eventually, however, I quit my job and no longer needed a commuter car. So I listed the Prius on Craigslist, where I received dozens of e-mail offers, nearly all of which were for penis enlargement pills.
After weeks, then months, I finally got some interest: a kid in Nashville called, e-mailed, and texted, for weeks, asking every question he could possibly think of. (“Can you send me a video where you roll down the passenger side rear window?”) Finally, on the day he was coming to get the car, he had a flat tire halfway between his house and mine. He arrived hours later with a new tire on his friend’s car and handed over the cash. Three weeks later, he totaled the Prius.
2002 Mercedes G500 – Absolutely Nothing at All
After just a month in my G-Wagen, I discovered that the frame, the exhaust, the brake lines and basically everything out of plain sight were rusty. Really rusty. I mean incredibly rusty. Like, when you got the thing on a lift, it kind of looked like Robert Ballard had brought back my G-Wagen as a souvenir from the Titanic.
So I sold it to Carmax, who drove it around the block and promptly offered me clean wholesale. Since that day – the day I transferred the title to Carmax in January 2012 – there hasn’t been a single event on the AutoCheck. My theory is it’s bouncing from used car auction to used car auction, and it’s so rough that even Russian exporters won’t touch it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is when you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
2006 Lotus Elise – Driven (A Lot)
As many of you know, I bought my Lotus in San Francisco and drove it home to Atlanta, where I spent the next six months trying to convince my friends that they wouldn’t be killed if they rode in it. I sold it in December 2011 with around 30,000 miles, and the next owner sold it in 2012 with 46,000 miles. These days, it’s in Abilene, Texas, with a whopping 56,000 miles on the odometer. 56,000 really uncomfortable miles.
So there you have it, folks: proof that keeping your old VIN numbers can yield a surprising amount of entertainment. I strongly suggest that all you readers run your own AutoChecks to see where your old cars have ended up. Unless, of course, you’re one of those people who would cry if he found out the ’88 Beretta he owned in high school is now wasting away in a junkyard outside St. Louis. In that case, just carry on with your morning routine.
Everyone Hates High-Performance Luxury SUVs
Posted by Doug DeMuro in Feature on | 11 comments
Today’s topic is: things we hate. This should be an easy one because we, as Internet users, are constantly going on and on about how much we hate various things. I know this because I frequently receive e-mails from people who hate me, and based on the quality of writing, it appears these people also hate punctuation.
Of course, we could spend all day listing things we hate. Dusting. Road construction. Nearly all insects. Or here’s a good one: when the self-checkout machines at the grocery store are closed. How is this possible? This is a machine we’re talking about! Is it taking a break?!
But I’ve decided to skip all of those things and keep this car-related. I’m doing this as a service to you, dear reader, because I could really go on about those self-checkout machines.
Anyway: when we’re talking “hate” and “cars,” there are a few obvious subjects. One is the Toyota Prius. Everyone hates the Toyota Prius, right? We see these smug bastards driving down the road, usually texting, presumably to organize a sit-in at the county stockyard because the cows aren’t hand-washed with local soaps. Don’t these Prius owners just boil everyone’s blood?
The answer is: no, they don’t. Toyota sells a lot of Priuses to all sorts of different people, many of whom are going to send me angry e-mails that say things like: U are an idiot, local soaps make cows give better milk, u wouldn’t know because u go to the kind of grocery store with self checkout machines, i get all my food from an organic farmer named Chester.
Seriously, though, the Prius isn’t universally hated, even though a lot of car guys haven’t quite endeared to it. So let’s move on to BMW drivers. We all hate BMW drivers, right? Of course we do. We’re driving down the street, minding our own business, when suddenly we’re cut off at high speed by a music-blasting BMW driver who will soon reach his destination, roughly 30 seconds before everyone else, where he will park diagonally across two parking spaces. Doesn’t this annoy everyone?
Once again, the answer here is no. It turns out a lot of people like BMWs. Car enthusiasts, for instance. And of course, BMW drivers themselves. But also people in lesser vehicles, such as Geo Metros, and Kia Rios, and of course Acuras. When these people get cut off by a BMW driver, they think: That will be me someday!!
So I’ve racked my brain here to think up a road user that’s universally hated by everyone. And after some consideration (this is the kind of thing you can do on a long roadtrip), I’ve come up with it. A group that’s hated more than Prius drivers. A group that’s hated more than BMW drivers. A group that’s hated even more than farmers who drive tractors down country roads at 11 miles per hour and refuse to pull to the side no matter how many cars are backed up behind them.
And that group is: the high-performance luxury SUV driver.
Let’s look at this from a few perspectives, starting with the “go green” type. These people hate high-performance luxury SUVs, because a high-performance luxury SUV driver is someone who couldn’t be content with merely having a large, gas-guzzling luxury SUV. No, they had to go and upgrade to the even larger, even more gas-guzzling performance luxury SUV, such as a BMW X5M or Mercedes ML63 AMG. To environmentalists, these people are public enemy number one.
Car enthusiasts generally hate high-performance SUVs, too. They’re huge. They’re all automatics. And they’re driven by the kind of people who don’t typically use the performance. I’ve tried to defend high-performance luxury SUVs to car enthusiasts, and the reaction is similar to the one I imagine you’d get by telling your co-workers that really, you wish your boss scheduled more Friday afternoon department meetings.
But the hatred for luxury performance SUVs goes beyond enthusiasts and environmentalists. Most regular road users hate them, too. If you don’t believe me, borrow a friend’s BMW X6. (This sentence assumes, perhaps incorrectly, that the kind of person who has a BMW X6 is also the kind of person who has friends.)
When you’re in an X6, you’ll immediately notice that driving is a little more difficult. Yes, part of this comes from the X6’s blindspots, which you can mimic in your own vehicle by placing cardboard over all the windows. But it’s also because people see an X6 and immediately think I’m not letting in that rich asshole!
In an X6, car drivers hate you. Other SUV drivers hate you. Even other BMW drivers look at an X6 and think “What a poser!” before sliding over to the shoulder and passing stopped traffic for a few miles.
The truth is that virtually no one will stand up for the performance SUV driver. Which is a shame, because performance SUVs kind of do it all: acceleration. Handling. Hauling. I even think they look pretty good. Of course, I’d never buy one. I get enough angry e-mails.
Your Thoughts on a Long-Term Used Car?
Posted by Doug DeMuro in Feature on | 111 comments
To start, a bit of an apology, as I’ve neglected this site far too much lately. This is because I am in the throes of finishing my e-Book, which I expect to sell to approximately 11 people including my mother twice.
Today I wanted to do something a little different: ask your advice. To help promote the book (and possibly reach 12 sales), I’m going to buy a “long term” used car and write weekly reports about how it is, either on Jalopnik or TTAC. These reports will be written in my usual style, which is “never let the facts get in the way of a good story be visible on the page.”
The problem is I’m having very much trouble deciding exactly what to buy. I’m trying to consider three factors here: one is that the car has to be “cool.” Cool enough to click on, cool enough to read about, cool enough to check back week in and week out, even if I don’t crash it.
Number two: it must be re-sellable. This eliminates a lot of “cool” cars, many of which can easily be purchased, but not so easily re-sold.
Number three: it can’t be that awful to maintain. I suspect that some of the story will be “oh no, the car broke and costs $1,000 to fix because it’s a used car waaah waaah” which will cause commenters to reply with things like “you’re an idiot for buying it in the first place.” These will be the most fun stories to write.
The problem is I don’t want to spend too much. I don’t want a car that will need a new engine, or cost $3,000 for a belt service, or requires a new transmission every time you go to the drag strip (because I will be going to the drag strip). So it can’t be anything really absurd.
Bearing those three things in mind – and a budget of maybe $30k (though it definitely doesn’t need to be that high) – what are your suggestions?
These are my top nominations so far:
1. E30 BMW M3
2. Acura NSX (eh?)
3. BMW M Coupe
4. Dodge Viper (not resellable)
5. Hummer H1 (not resellable)
6. Mercedes E55 AMG wagon
7. Mercedes R63 AMG
8. Original Honda Insight
9. Some form of Ferrari (maintenance?)
10. Some form of Maserati (maintenance?)
11. Lincoln Blackwood
I’m curious to hear your thoughts on these or other cars, so bring ‘em on.
