My Best Columns

The Ridiculous Myth of the Executive Demo – October 28, 2013 [Jalopnik]

Well, ladies and gentlemen (Ladies! Hah!), the time has come: I’ve decided to debunk another myth. You may remember the last time I debunked a myth. It was when I asserted that the Tail of the Dragon isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, which led to an angry, drawn-out fight between serious drivers and the kind of people who think of a pickup bed as transportation to church.

Here’s Why SUVs Will Be Dead In 10 Years – October 23, 2013 [Jalopnik]

Before I get into this, I believe an apology is in order. You come to Jalopnik every day for the same things: cool stories about cool vehicles. Reviews of exotic sports cars. Russian dash cams. Videos of Chris Harris drifting. The incoherent ramblings of Travis Okulski. And here I am, writing my third article in a row about sport-utility vehicles.

Do Hummer H2 Drivers Know How Stupid They Look? – October 17, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I think it’s safe to say that we, as car enthusiasts, often pass judgment on people we see in other cars. See a Honda Odyssey, for example, and your first thought is: “That person is transporting several children!” Or, if it’s a Dodge Grand Caravan, you think: “That person is transporting several children in a rental car!”

Attention Saab Dealers: It’s Time to Let Go – October 15, 2013 [Jalopnik]

It happened about a week ago. I was sitting in traffic and looking around, as I sometimes do when I’m not texting, and there it was: one of the rarest modern production cars in existence.

I Owned a Lotus Elise For Free, and So Can You! – October 14, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I often get e-mails from readers, people just like you except with more time on their hands, that ask me questions. “Doug,” they might ask, “Should I buy this ’68 Cougar that’s been sitting in a field since the Hartford Whalers were still a hockey team?” That one comes from a muscle car guy. Or “Doug,” another might say, “When are you going to quit this crap and get a real job?” That one comes from my parents.

In Heavy Traffic, Just Let The Guy Next To You Change Lanes – October 10, 2013 [Jalopnik]

There’s one distinct advantage of my job compared to, say, your job. And that advantage is: I don’t have to commute. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Give up your salaried, safe office job with benefits and room for growth in order to become a writer, and you, too, could spend mornings concerned primarily with why the wireless Internet won’t reach the porch swing.

I Got My Ass Kicked Racing a Carrera GT On a Runway [VIDEO!] – October 9, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I recently spent some time driving on an airport runway. No, I didn’t do this because I’m an old person who ran through a barricade, which is how a Cadillac usually ends up on a runway. Instead, this took place at a highly organized event, with cones, and timing devices, and those little triangular flags on rope they always seem to have at automotive gatherings.

Nothing Says F*** You Like a Mercedes-Benz CL600 – September 19, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I think it’s time that I, a responsible automotive journalist with roughly 90 days of experience, devote a column to a segment that my colleagues simply do not spend enough time covering. And that segment is: expensive cars that nobody buys.

Here’s Why You Should Keep Your Old VIN Numbers – September 12, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I recently had my morning routine disturbed. Those of you with a morning routine will know exactly what I mean when I say this is a major problem. Right, morning routiners? All I want to do is peacefully start each day the same way: wake up at 10 am, spend about 40 minutes on Bring a Trailer, then think to myself “Nah, I don’t need to write a column today” before napping until approximately 3 pm. Is that so much to ask?!

Everyone Hates High-Performance Luxury SUVs – August 29, 2013 [Jalopnik]

Today’s topic is: things we hate. This should be an easy one because we, as Internet users, are constantly going on and on about how much we hate various things. I know this because I frequently receive e-mails from people who hate me, and based on the quality of writing, it appears these people also hate punctuation.

A series of columns about driving my CTS-V Wagon across the United States and back:

I’m Taking The CTS-V Wagon on a Cross-Country Roadtrip – August 5, 2013 [Jalopnik]
Across America in a CTS-V Wagon: The First 2000 Miles – August 12, 2013 [Jalopnik]
Across America in a CTS-V Wagon: Through The Desert – August 14, 2013 [Jalopnik]
V Wagon Roadtrip: After 3500 Miles, How’s It Holding Up? – August 20, 2013 [Jalopnik]
V Wagon Roadtrip: The Bonneville Salt Flats Are Awesome – August 22, 2013 [Jalopnik]
We Made It: Recapping 6300 Miles and 17 States in a CTS-V Wagon – August 28, 2013 [Jalopnik]

The Best Thing About a Beater Car? Parking Privileges – August 8, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I’ve recently discovered a solution to all of your problems. Now, you might be thinking: Doug, I don’t have any problems, except on the days when Jalopnik posts articles written by you!

Here’s Why The Tail Of The Dragon Is Overrated – August 6, 2013 [Jalopnik]

When I decided to become a writer, it wasn’t so I could expose the most pressing myths facing today’s automotive enthusiasts. It was so I could wake up at 10 a.m. and lounge around all day without wearing pants. Today, I’ve decided to do both.

Why Does Volkswagen Want To Bring Back The Phaeton? – July 23, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I recently read an article that said Volkswagen – noted distributor of rebates, and, occasionally, automobiles – is planning to bring back the Phaeton. In fact, this article said the Phaeton might come back as soon as the Detroit Auto Show, which happens every January to remind the automotive press why it would be a horrible idea to move to Michigan.

The Range Rover And The Porsche 911 Are The Same Car – July 22, 2013 [Jalopnik]

If you’ve come this far, I commend you. Seriously, I do. You’ve logged on to Jalopnik today, you’ve seen a dozen articles about exciting, car-enthusiasty topics, some of which probably include Russian dash cam videos where vehicles fly through the air, and you’ve chosen to click on a story which asserts that the Range Rover is, in fact, the same vehicle as the Porsche 911.

Finally, A Comparison: CTS-V Wagon vs. AMG Wagon – July 18, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I always think the exact same thing whenever I walk up to my Cadillac. And that is: Should I press the remote starter and have everyone nearby think I’m an asshole?

Why Your Next Unreliable Luxury Car Should Come From CarMax – July 17, 2013 [Jalopnik]

Some of you know that I drive a Range Rover. For those of you who don’t, I’m telling you now: I drive a Range Rover. And you can read all about it in my book, which many of you excitedly told me that you can’t wait to begin reading while sitting on the toilet.

The Myth of the “Mini”van – June 10, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

I recently got behind a Toyota Sienna in traffic. This is a fairly common occurrence that usually involves a) changing lanes, and b) speeding up to see whether the children inside are watching SpongeBob SquarePants.

No, I Won’t Recommend A Car For You – June 3, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I, like you, am a car enthusiast. The difference is that while you surely have some sort of exciting rear-wheel drive sports car, I have a Nissan Cube, which is the world’s only car with dashboard-mounted shag carpeting.

We, The People, Want Hybrid SUVs – May 28, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

Today, dear readers, I come to you with some bad news: Chevrolet is cancelling the Tahoe Hybrid. This is a major event. So major, in fact, that – upon reading it – you probably took a deep breath, sat back in your chair, gazed at the computer screen, and thought to yourself: They still make the Tahoe Hybrid?

Sports Cars Don’t Really Attract Women – May 24, 2013 [Jalopnik]

I once owned a Lotus Elise. Of course, being six-foot-three, I didn’t really own it so much as I regularly attempted to drive it by assuming the approximate size and shape of a football.

I Think Honda LaneWatch Is Awesome – May 14, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

I recently made a troubling discovery. Samsung, noted manufacturer of telephones the size of a license plate, is now producing a refrigerator with Twitter. Let me repeat that for those of you who merely skim my articles (Hi, mom!). Samsung manufacturers a refrigerator with Twitter.

Doug’s Comparison: Nissan LEAF vs. Honda Fit – April 25, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

I have a friend who really hates the Nissan LEAF. I mean, he despises it. If it cost $9.50 and had a 1,200-mile range, he would say something like: “Jeez, for nine fifty, you’d think they could make it cross the country.”

What It’s Like to Own an E63 AMG Wagon – April 20, 2013 [Jalopnik]

The Mercedes E63 AMG Wagon is loved by Mercedes-Benz and journalists alike. Journalists love it because, by virtue of simply being a journalist, there is a requirement to love fast wagons. This dates back to the days of the Oregon Trail, when journalists would hitch a really fast ox to the front of a Conestoga wagon and write about how it was great, but it’d be better if it were a diesel.

The Worst Drivers Are In ZipCars – April 11, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

I recently yelled at another driver. I know, I know: this is bad behavior. It’s even worse because I have a Range Rover, which makes you look like a total prick when you’re yelling at someone else on the road. Or, you could remove “when you’re yelling at someone else on the road” and that sentence would still be true.

Lincoln Can and Will Come Back – April 10, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

Over the last two years, attacking Lincoln has become tremendously “in.” This is because doing so will cause everyone to agree with you, which is sort of like when people complain about drivers in their hometown. Seriously: no matter what major city you visit, the drivers there are “the worst,” according to local residents who have obviously never visited Italy.

Doug’s Review: 1995 Range Rover Classic – March 26, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

I once owned a 1995 Range Rover. Looking back, I’m not entirely sure why this happened, but I suspect it may have something to do with a well-known car enthusiast theory about British cars: “they can’t all be that bad.”

Land Rover and JD Power – February 26, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

Some things never change. Lying politicians, for example. And racist YouTube commenters. But also the JD Power Long-Term Vehicle Dependability Study, which was just released for 2013. Like always, Lexus and Lincoln were near the top, proving that old people can’t figure out in-car computer systems well enough to give them low ratings. Porsche was also near the top, proving that at least one German brand still has some idea what it’s doing.

Exotic Cars and Montana Plates – February 22, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

I have a mild obsession with license plates. Which is to say that I often pay extra for those special plates that I think look cool, but no one else ever notices. I also know a lot of weird license plate-related facts. Like, for example: did you know the last number in a Massachusetts plate corresponds to the month it expires? I proudly trot out that one every time I see a Masshole on the road. Surprisingly, my passengers never seem quite as intrigued as I am.

North American International Auto Show Wrap-Up – January 17, 2013 [The Truth About Cars]

(The one that started it all)

The North American International Auto Show press days have come and gone. That means journalists no longer need to get dressed every morning, and can return to clipping their toenails while blogging in their bathrobes. OEM staffers get to return home – unless, of course, home is Detroit. Then they’re counting down the days until New York.