Toyota Vellfire: Named in Japan

Toyota Vellfire: Named in Japan

In America, we’re fortunate to get just one Toyota minivan – the Sienna – which faces off against the Honda Odyssey and some trash from Chrysler that yuppie families look at just to be patriotic.  No one, you’ll note, looks at the Nissan Quest, which is now shaped like a Japanese dustbuster and can only be regarded as cruel payback for Iwo Jima.

But in Japan, one minivan isn’t enough – probably because they have to transport all those tentacled creatures to porn shoots.   As a result, Toyota has about eleven different models, all of which look exactly the same.  And one is called the Vellfire.

Yes.  Hellfire with a V.

It gets worse.  The standard version of this minivan is called the Alphard, which could probably warrant its own inclusion in the ‘Named in Japan’ section if I was a bit more clever (MS Word says cleverer, but really?).  Anyway, the sporty version of the Alphard is called the Vellfire.  I’m not sure what’s more alarming: that one rhymes with ‘retard’ and the other with ‘hellfire,’ or that there’s a sporty version.

So what exactly distinguishes the sporty Vellfire from its Alphard cousin?  Although I don’t see much, it looks like the Vellfire has more aggressive fog lights than the Alphard, which goes along with Toyota’s definition of ‘sporty.’  Both vehicles otherwise fit in with the usual Japanese concept of beauty, which means they’re tall, narrow, and absolutely loathsome to anyone outside Japan except for a few white American guys with a fetish.

We don’t get the Vellfire here, and we probably won’t.  But I’m inspired by the idea of changing the first letter of a nasty word to get a vehicle name, which is why I respectfully suggest that Toyota offer a small minivan in the US called the Osshole.  It would still outsell the Grand Caravan.

5 Responses to “ “Toyota Vellfire: Named in Japan”

  1. Julio says:

    Man you’re hilarious!!

    Keep up the good work.

    Congratulations for your site

  2. NateK says:

    First off- lurking on your website as of today. Love reading your posts on TTAC and now on here. I’m going through all posts, on Friday night, alone in my room… How sad. Anyhow, this post intrigued me enough to comment. I was born in Japan, parents are biracial (one American, one Japanese). So I got to see first hand, and still do, of the interesting landscape, not just in terms of cars when visiting family back in Japan. These things look heck of a lot better in a sea of indistinguishable kei-cars and Toyota Crowns/Centuries. Have seen quite a few tricked out too. Wasn’t sure if I should have admired it, or laughed at it. Name-wise however, the Alphard/Vellfire still loses out imo to the Mazda “Bongo-Friendee”… Anyhow I enjoy your posts!

  3. Dave203B says:

    As above, you have / this is a great automobile website due to the excellent research and well written posts.

    Congrats, and may chance grant you a totally reliable classic car of your choice at a price you cant refuse.

  4. stephen taylor says:

    i have seen the vellfire on line and i admire the charm and beauty of the vehicle,i do surely want to own one.the best ful size minivan in it class the American is fallow in the footstep

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